A Parent’s Guide to Neurodiversity Affirming Approaches
Written by Jessica Ravineala, MS OTRL, Occupational Therapist and owner of The Therapy Spot
Parenting a neurodivergent child can bring unique challenges with it. Parents often report feeling unsure if they are doing what is truly best for their child. Much of our society tends to focus on making neurodivergent children comply, “fit in,” or appear more “typical.” Neurodiversity-affirming therapy takes a different approach—one rooted in respect, connection, and celebrating your child for who they are.
Neurodiversity affirming care was born out of the latest research in child development, neuroscience, and mental health. Understanding this approach to caring for someone who is neurodivergent is critical and allows parents to be informed partners in the therapy process. Below is a list of some of the key beliefs of neurodiversity-affirming therapy and what it looks like in action to help parents deepen their understanding of this model.
1. Connection Over Compliance
In older models of therapy, the focus was often on getting children to follow directions, sit still, or “behave” according to adult expectations. While this might create short-term obedience, it often comes at the cost of trust and emotional safety.
Neurodiversity-affirming therapy prioritizes connection. When a child feels seen, understood, and safe, they are far more likely to learn and grow. Compliance without connection may look “successful” from the outside, but it doesn’t build the skills or confidence a child needs for long-term well-being.
Example: Instead of insisting your child clean up toys immediately, you might sit with them, help sort pieces together, and say, “Let’s be a team and put things back in their homes.” The shared connection makes the task easier, and your child feels supported instead of pressured.
2. Co-Regulation Before Problem-Solving
When children are upset, overwhelmed, or melting down, our instinct may be to talk them through it or try to solve the problem right away. But the brain can’t problem-solve when it’s in a state of distress.
Co-regulation means we lend our calm to our child’s storm. This might look like sitting quietly next to them, offering a hug if they want it, or just breathing slowly until their nervous system settles. Only after they’re calm can they reflect, talk about what happened, or try new strategies.
Example: Your child throws their backpack and yells after school. Instead of scolding, you say, “Looks like today was really hard. Let’s sit together for a minute.” Later, once they’re calm, you might ask, “Want to tell me what felt tough today?”
3. Support Autonomy
Every child—neurodivergent or not—deserves a say in their own life. Too often, neurodivergent kids are told what to do, how to act, and what’s “appropriate,” with very little room for choice.
Supporting autonomy means letting your child make decisions where possible and respecting their voice. This helps them build confidence, self-respect, and independence.
Example: Instead of picking their clothes, let your child choose between two weather-appropriate options. Or if an activity feels uncomfortable, let them suggest an alternative that works toward the same goal. Not only does this support autonomy, but also problem solving and creative thinking
4. Kids Do Well When They Can
This powerful idea, coined by psychologist Ross Greene, reminds us that children aren’t misbehaving on purpose. If a child isn’t meeting expectations, it’s not about motivation or willfulness—it’s because something is getting in the way.
This shifts the question from “How do I make my child do this?” to “What support does my child need to be successful?”
Example: If your child refuses to do their homework, instead of assuming laziness, consider challenges like fine motor fatigue, difficulty organizing thoughts, or sensory overwhelm. With the right support (e.g., a keyboard, breaks, or graphic organizers), success becomes possible.
5. Sensory Tools Are a Need, Not a Reward
For many neurodivergent children, sensory tools (like fidgets, noise-canceling headphones, or movement breaks) are as essential as eyeglasses are for someone with vision needs. Yet these supports are often withheld as “rewards” for good behavior or removed as a consequence for undesirable behaviors.
Neurodiversity-affirming practice recognizes that sensory needs are real needs. Meeting them helps children feel regulated, focused, and safe.
Example: If your child uses headphones in noisy places, that’s not “spoiling” them—it’s giving them the tools to participate fully without becoming overwhelmed.
6. Celebrate Small Wins & Big Efforts
Progress doesn’t always look like mastering a skill or reaching a milestone. Sometimes it’s about effort, persistence, or courage in the face of challenges.
Celebrating both small wins and big efforts helps kids feel valued for the process, not just the outcome.
Example: Your child usually hides during birthday parties but today joined for 5 minutes. That’s huge progress! Saying, “I saw how brave you were when you joined the group—way to go!” validates their effort, even if it didn’t last the whole time.
7. Promote Self-Advocacy
Neurodivergent children grow into neurodivergent adults. One of the most valuable skills they can learn is how to understand their needs and communicate them.
Promoting self-advocacy starts with listening to your child and honoring their voice. It means teaching them language to explain what works for them and practicing how to ask for support respectfully.
Example: If your child says, “It’s too loud,” instead of dismissing it, you can say, “Thanks for telling me. Do you want your headphones or a break?” Over time, they learn that speaking up makes a difference.
8. Set Reasonable Expectations
It’s easy to get caught up in comparing your child to “typical” milestones or to peers. But every child develops at their own pace, and neurodivergent children may follow different paths altogether.
Reasonable expectations mean understanding your child’s individual strengths, challenges, and developmental trajectory—and meeting them where they are. It means changing the focus from “why isn’t my child doing this by himself yet?” to “what can my child do well now, and what is the next meaningful step?”.
Example: Expecting a child with ADHD to sit through a 45-minute family dinner without breaks may be unrealistic. But expecting them to stay for 10 minutes, then take a movement break before returning, sets them up for success.
Why This Approach Matters
A neurodivergent affirming approach is about building a foundation of trust, respect, and resilience that lasts a lifetime. It is about supporting independent thinking, fostering creative problem solving, mastering negotiation skills, and practicing self advocacy. Children who grow up in neurodiversity-affirming environments learn:
● They are valued for who they are, not just what they can do.
● Their needs and voices matter.
● Struggles are met with support, not shame.
● Growth is possible without sacrificing authenticity.
Neurodiversity Affirming Parenting
Being a neurodiversity-affirming parent is an ongoing process of unlearning and relearning; it doesn’t have to be perfect all the time! What matters most is your willingness to see your child through a lens of compassion, to focus on connection before correction, and to trust that your child is doing the best they can with the skills and support they have. Particularly for families who feel this is a new approach to incorporate into their parenting, it can be helpful to have professional support. Our therapists at The Therapy SPOT encourage parents in the sessions to learn, and also set up parent coaching and education sessions to help parents strengthen their own skills.
Final Tips for Parents:
When looking for a neurodivergent affirming provider, It can be helpful to interview potential providers before working with them to gain a better understanding of how they view neurodivergent children. Fun fact- all of the therapists at The Therapy SPOT follow neurodiversity affirming principles!
